Heart-break and wonder, respite and diagnosis; who knows how to settle on what decisions solve signature interruptions in the “plan”? As I see it, the particulars are the confusing bits, the pieces that have splintered corners and puzzled edges – not answers to materialism but what exactly to do with our change, not puzzlers on who sustains the universe but whether or not he wants you to go to Korea, not what is love but why did she give and then give it up? Suppress the particulars all you want, but in the end all of us are in a real world accompanied by a number of affixed universals, if only death and taxes. Truth is, I don’t think we will pride ourselves in dichotomies; we will act according to what we know or what we perceive. I know that God is good and that His mercies are not only new every morning - they are forever! This is a sustaining truth for me.
I count the last few months as some of the most confusing and rewarding moments I have ever had. God knows that had I followed on the same trajectory with the same cycles, I would have found myself more dejected and subsumed in a powerless vacuum sucked dry of strength all because I had stubbed my senses on an idol.
It is better to have loved and lost, than to never to have loved at all, they say. I am not so convinced! There is no greater disturbance to the psyche than to have felt the terrors of abandonment; to know that someone is committed to you in spite of your issues and then to feel the poison of rejection seep into your soul. She bites you everywhere you can cover only to invite you to respond ostensibly. In the end the cycle forces you to watch the living-thing you had worked so hard to create bleed out – the relationship. Its more complicated with confessing evangelicals, I think. We have been informed that commitments are binding and that forgiveness is accessible on any level - because of the work of Christ. Truth is, human commitments and forgiveness involve two people and you only need one to inhibit the process.
This is precisely where the tensions have brought me; spring loaded with doubt and posturing - hoping that I can find a way out of the senseless debilitating nightmares. Problem is that they are not only nightmares - the triggers are in the food, family outings, movies, etc. In my mind I can see her, chat with her, chat with others. We are confessing and crying, arguing and loving but it is all a dream upon a dream and the more I give in to the hope for Christian resolution the more I am told its forbidden fruit just as poisonous as the love delusion that tripped the trigger.
Even more, its paradoxical because my sentiments are estranged. I have had a more productive move forward on the heels of this senseless release than I had while blistering my back and starving my appetites... buried in the desire to revive a connection that was being cut without explanation. Its as if the either or is forgiveness or justice. Like I wish that there would be a hearing and judgment would be made so that I could know what to repent of and or to see her pay for these offences in an objective way. Its muddy and I want closure.
Once more (And most paradoxical of all), I find it particularly amazing that God can so wield events and happenings together that good emerges, exuding from soars. I don’t pretend to understand it but I can say that my tolerance for pain and heartache have been tested and found wanting. I want to say that God is my portion! He is my strength! His kindness endures forever and He will finish what He started. Its that I want to want to... some days its a grace that I have made it through at all.
In recent months I have been trying to ween myself off... trying to forget and forgive, etc... I have needed to move past the relationship, as it were, in order to keep my head above water – some days I am more of a swimmer than a plank. This is the marvel - the evidence that God has gone before me and met me with His kindness.
My story at this juncture is to tell of Gods kindness! After leaving Israel, the plague on both our houses slept while I felt the tender familial connections at the funeral of my Aunt Erma. Drama did not piece meal my time with friends in Michigan before my brothers wedding in Iowa, nor did it damn my attempts to get up and find work in NC, SC, GA, WA, and BC. He met me with his kindness! Long hours with friends over tears and tea, I have reflected on the goodness of God extended to me in my darkest of days. I am sure that there will be more heart break and trials, but His mercy endures forever!
Currently, I am in the process of making a decision as to whether or not to finish my thesis. This of course is not a decision I can make in isolation. My loans have gone into repayment and so I have been working to get ahead on my loans. I have applied to Frontiers – an agency chiefly interested in ministering to Muslims. I have also applied to teach English with an agency with a broad placement range including UAE, Saudi and Korea, to name a few. The first is a vocational vision into which I could place my affection! The second is a means to get out from under these silly financial pressures. The first few stages of both my applications have been accepted. At the moment I am in Australia working with a building firm with a load of different kinds of construction operations. The pay is better than I could do in the States and it’s a nice transition piece for me. A friend invited me out and I have been working for him.
Grace, Grace,
Gods grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin!
