Years spin on and on unraveling and
revealing the best and worst of times. Isn't this a generic life
summary? I suppose it begs, for what? Life barrows different
life-lines in every new life-time all entreated with various
experiences and drama in want of specific instructions for the
journey. The Psalmist says, “Teach us to number our days that we
may gain a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:12) hinting at the lessons
that we could learn from observing and measuring time lost and
gained, no doubt prompting need and repentance.
My own story bounds coil upon coil
into grace and tension, forgiveness and intrigue, disenfranchisement
and redemption. I'll take the time to note two or three major changes
from this last year and then make a few observations for what they
meant for me and for my closest.
A year ago I met a lovely blond from
Minnesota. Bright blue eyes, brilliant and incandescent, we fought
the drama and found our romance exploding with charm, fun and color.
However, up to point, I was stuck inside a fear-factor and locked-in
avoiding too much eye contact or drama by virtue of my own
relationship-heartbreaks and the terrors that I saw it avenging on my
friends and family. However natural of pathetic, the danger and
inhibiting pain I experienced and saw others experiencing drove me
toward a kind of distant center – cognizant of romantic intrigue's
weariness, what with the lies told to wrangle it in, and aware that no
matter how misunderstood or convoluted a relationship might get, you
can never control the way another human being feels, be it love or
hate. Perhaps for survivals sake, I discovered the the no-drama life.
At least, I thought I had.
Before, fear and bad-sense followed
watching ugly relationships livid with one-up-man-ship and spite. And
after hearing too many folks recommend life-with-a-wife only to watch
them quarrel and banter, condescend and fight, I thought the
van-down-by-the-river life or the one in the borrowed garage looked
far more attractive than these alternatives. Then, I met her.
Perhaps it sounds too fantastic and
maybe it is... Our relationship slowly emerged; not really anything
at first. She began her semester work where I had been studying for a
couple of years and we didn't pay too much attention too each other.
Mutual friends gave us an opportunity to get to know each other and
by the last third of the semester we were rather close.
Promises to stay in touch and the
knowledge that leaving school meant that our relationship would have
to morph, we fought the drama and committed ourselves to continue to
engage each other as friends, as the distance would naturally inhibit
too much silliness.
And
then I came home to the States. Hardly enough money to make it there
and back, I fixed up my van and drove out to see her. Then and there
as scary and real as life gets, we knew we were going to fight for
life together. The particulars were a little more confusing what with
the distance and the familial expectations and drama. But we knew.
Weeks went by as she started her
last semester of undergrad in Minnesota and I started work in
Michigan. The distance was hard but manageable at first. And then
things became more dramatic - less by problem and more by stigma -
when we became aware that we were going to have a kid some nine
months down the road.
The proverbial flat-line,
help-me-I'm-dead feeling warmed over melting the feeling of falling, hitting the ground and dying
into one. But why? Isn't this great news? Typically, its helpful to
plan these things out so that you can have a productive wage to fit
the incurable dilemma of baby dues but that's no reason to feel so
torn to bits, is it? Money, albeit a practical concern, had to be one
of our least concerns and what bothered us the most - what bore on us
with greater gravity and protest had to do with our perceived
morality - and the terrible notion that we had become the statistic,
the outsider, incurable and damned. However silly, we felt this
intangible weight that we had crossed over and become leprous to our
own heritages, and that, by consummating our love for each other. In
part, we knew that covenant precedes consummation - we knew that is
how this ought to be - but its hard to believe this anxiety and
protest came on too strong and unwarranted by good news too soon.
It's not my intention to undermine the institution of marriage - it's
been great. Whether or not its believable, even before the news, we knew
marriage was in our future and we desperately valued covenant; however, up too point, we hadn't wanted to rush into such a spiteful
thing too soon - as only experience by observation seemed to tell us.
We saw the projections - an abysmal fifty percent chance of survival
not including those hanging on and hating it. What were we to do?
In reality, options for transparency
look devastating on two sides especially when you know you ought to
have ordered things more judiciously. The problem is that the circles
we grow up with have their tradition... whether or not that tradition
aligns with the particular beliefs that substantiate the circle. And
sadly there is too much inconsistency and compromise the deeper down
the similitude becomes. There it becomes more patriotic and, as of
consequence, transparency, sounds more like a disease than something
good. Another option has become more popular – share all with all.
Highlight the whole lot, which, given the right platform is like
telling no one. In both cases the end is just as perilous. The drama
becomes data, out of context, stigmatized and lost in the blather of
other things shared and liked.
Whatever the case, it would be far
too easy to say we managed the fear well; but that would both
undermine the real crux of our situation and the grace of God that we
experienced in our time of trial. Truth is, we have never been more
aware both of our actions and of the impropriety and evils of our own traditions than in
those moments of first fear. We were faced with the unintelligible
fear of consequence, not with the prospect of having a kid, we both
wanted one, but with subtle condemning glances, and religious
procedure – where it becomes habit to force a public confession. As
a matter of fact, two images painfully ate at my gut: one of a
pastors shaking head listening to this same kind of forced confession
and that of a dialog I had had one month previous where I listened to
someone regale the damages of having a kid to soon - a head shake and
a story and both done by people I had respected for their faith.
Curious as it may be, I don't think
they had any evil intentions but I came to feel the dark shadows of
this shared belief system that boasts a pro-life agenda and powers
its people into feeling like alternatives are suitable - not by its
programs but by its pride and warnings. “Do this and your life is
over”. “Say that and you will go to hell”. Surely, sin leads to
death and hell is an appropriate sanction for spite against God. And
its good and right to level with people as to our belief in these
things. However, its my understanding that these realities in turn
make God's grace more attractive and I was under the impression that
church was about making Christ known as the penal substitute for our
sins having lived a life of obedience in our place and dying that
death we deserved to die. Is this not the hell Christians are
averting, namely God's wrath Jesus assumed vicariously for those who
believe? Consequently, I understand that its the church that preaches
that God works all things together for the good of His children. So
what's with the pride and misguided warnings?
Perhaps we are all a little too
scared that our pew friend believes he has a license to kill and
perhaps that dupes us into believing our earnestness in abstinence
entitles us. As for me, I have learned moralism inhibits the
Christian witness and that “if we confess our sins he is faithful and
just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness”.
Christians are “simul justus et
peccator” after
all, aren't
we? It's high time we stopped presiding as judge in God's place
showcasing others drama by gossip or good conversation and try a bit
harder at “trying to find out what is pleasing to God” albeit
from inside of our hot-mess lives.
In
the end, I am finding that God makes impossible situations lovely and
broken-hearts whole. Our story up to point owes its entire narrative
to God's grace. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world and not for
what I have been able to do but because we have “tasted and seen
that the Lord is good”, he has “taken away our reproach” and
“provided coverings for us”.
On
November 9th, I married my דוד, my beloved, Holly Ellingson. We exchanged vows before our closest
friends and family in whom we had confided and there we celebrate the
marriage covenant. Then on April 12th, Isaiah Andrew was born to us
in what was an epic story in and of itself. We named him Isaiah
because it comes from the Hebrew for God helps, saves, or delivers
and we thought it both suited him and our narrative.
For whatever its worth, marriage is far better than I had expected way back when... and having a kid, easier and more fun... We
feel terribly indebted to the grace of God and know that Jesus
swallowed up our impropriety and passed through the fires on our
behalf. No doubt, in part, to give us courage to encounter people
with similar drama and call them to repent, believe He is and believe that He is a rewarder of those who diligent seek him.
Is. 25:6b The LORD of hosts will make for all peoples
Is. 25:6b The LORD of hosts will make for all peoples
a feast of rich food, a feast of well-aged wine,
tof rich food full of marrow, of aged wine well refined.
Is. 25:7 And he will swallow up son this mountain
the covering that is cast over all peoples,
uthe veil that is spread over all nations.
Is. 25:8 vHe will swallow up death forever;
and wthe Lord GOD will wipe away tears from all faces,
and xthe reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
yfor the LORD has spoken.
Is. 25:9 It will be said on that day,
“Behold, this is our God; zwe have waited for him, that he might save us.
This is the LORD; we have waited for him;
alet us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.”
Grace and Peace,
Love and Blessings,
Seth
